Maybe I’m not a Carnivore

 This is a special edition, not so much about my parenting opinions/stories, but a personal experience I would like to share. I promise it's worth it.

I got married almost three years ago to my fabulous husband, and have been with him for over seven years. We have had two beautiful children together and I do not regret anything. However, I am struggling more then I ever have before with feelings of guilt, confusion, anger, and acceptance. 

I am who I am, and that is that. Those who matter won't mind, and those who mind don't matter. Right? 

I have been so angry with myself, fighting so many inner demons and intrusive thoughts. I don't want to feel judged or looked down on so I keep them in. Its such a vicious cycle I deal with far too often. I get dark thoughts,  I rage clean, I watch The Office, I feel better, and then back to dark thoughts. How long before I just talk about my thoughts and just break the cycle? I’m so done with it, so here we go. 

I have been a carnivore for my whole life so why the hell am I in my mid twenties and confused about my own preferences? Is this a midlife crisis, quarter life crisis? Maybe it's just a phase, but maybe it's not. Is it a phase if you've been feeling the same general preference for over a decade? I think not. Just like how I think my husband's 'phase' of video games was supposed to be over when we had kids. Well our oldest is four, so you tell me. He was a gamer long before he met me, and still going strong. 

I have tried to bring up my preference a few times, but I always feel slightly attacked when I have tried to do so. How would you feel if you tried to tell your like-minded carnivorous friend that you were a vegan, and they started treating you differently and started acting weird around you. Maybe they would feel like they can't eat meat around you anymore so you don't get the wrong idea and start eating meat. That sounds absolutely ridiculous doesn't it? Well I'm not a vegan. Perhaps more of an omnivore? Is this a good analogy? If you haven't caught on by now I'm sure you will. 

This isn’t an analogy. I am BISEXUAL. An Omnivore if you will, I have only said that out loud to two people. Half of them thought I was joking. I am not joking, this is not a drill. I am not leaving my husband. He should feel very special that out of every person in the entire world I chose him. Love is love, and it’s the only thing that matters. My preferences have absolutely nothing to do with our marriage, if I was vegan, I suppose they would, but that is not the case. I remember in gym class if there were any vegans in the change room everyone would get so weird and refuse to change in front of them and the vegans wouldn’t get invited to sleepovers. I can say in my personal opinion that you don’t have to be awkward about it. I hope that my carnivorous friends don’t get the wrong idea and stop being my friend because we have a slight difference in preference, but I guess we weren’t real friends to begin with if you can’t accept me for being my best and true self. It’s only weird if you make it weird. It’s 2022, it honestly shouldn’t be such breaking news when someone comes out. This is me accepting myself and loving myself unconditionally. 

Happy PRIDE Month!