The Hardest Choices Are The Right One’s, Right?

 I have had some BIG life changes in the last nine months. That is a loaded statement. It could mean several different things right? 

If you stick around until the end I’m sure you’ll get to know what I’m talking about. 2022 was the worst year yet. Sure a few good things happened, but for the most part, it sucked balls. 

It’s not a secret that my marriage was an unhappy one. Anyone who knows me personally would know that I was genuinely an unhappy person in the eyes of my marriage. Sure I put on an act, sharing daily positives. (Those truly do help to elevate my mood) My friends/family have helped keep me going lately. Working away from the house and getting out of the rut of being a stay at home mom has helped. Doing things for myself has helped. (We love a self care queen) 

It was a big decision that I had been pondering for MONTHS. I had weighed so many pros and cons. Spent months walking on eggshells, and avoiding the situation the best that I knew how. If I could make evening or weekend plans so I wouldn’t have to be home, I was making those plans. Eventually a straw comes along that breaks the camels back. I snapped. I finally, reluctantly said what I needed to say. I was unhappy, nothing was changing. I didn’t want to keep doing the same thing over and over. I wanted to do this for not only myself, but the two little souls that call me ‘Mommy’. He moved out a few weeks later. I truly felt the biggest weight off my shoulders. I could breathe again for the first time in a long time. I was back to having dance parties with the kids in the kitchen. I’ve been healing from the trauma, there have been a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms along that path. I finally feel like I’m at a place where I can move passed it. I don’t feel the need to fall into another bad habit. I feel content and happy. At peace. 

You know, when I told my parents about our separation, my mom thought I was joking. When she saw that I wasn’t joking, she told me I was so brave. I think that’s the best compliment I’ve ever received. So moving forward to informing every other person I have crossed paths with, I am going into it brave. 

The hardest part about everything is seeing how it has affected my kids. We have had some really hard days. Both of them have struggled in different ways. My daughter, who is 5, has had the hardest time. She has been acting out a lot, having a lot more tantrums than normal. She’s even shown some violence in her anger. We do our best to help her through it. I try to give her grace, because I know this isn’t easy on her. She has come along way in the last 9 months, but we still have a long way to go. My little guy who is 2 has seemingly been ok. Day to day, he does well. He has been biting A LOT. I have no idea if this is related at all, but I’m thinking it could be. Seeing them miss their dad (I feel terrible about it) has been hard, to explain all of their questions, and listen to their thoughts. Sometimes I wonder if staying together would just be easier for everyone, but I know that we will all have happier lives in the end. Our kids deserve happy parents. We both had some weeks in the beginning that were far from happy,  but we are both moving in a positive direction. I want to live unapologetically and freely. I want my kids to live their lives the same way. I don’t want to regret anything, we are only on this earth for limited days, so I want to live them with as much happiness as I can. The weeks I have my children are always too short. We have had a lot of adventures this summer, and we’ve been so busy. I thrive on being busy, and I hate being home. So we go wherever our hearts take us, (which is usually to work, so I can afford all the fun adventures) but alas on weekends we are out and about and often visiting those closest to us. My weeks without the kids are hard. I love the break the first 2-3 days, but after that it sucks. I have been trying to keep busy and spend time with people that I don’t normally get to see, and doing things for myself. (I don’t want to be burnt out for my kids, a happy mom means happy kids, right?) 

You know, I wrote this months ago, but thought maybe it’s time to revisit. I don’t know if I’ll ever even post this, but if I do. I just want everyone to know, (especially those fresh to this knowledge) that I am ok. Really, I’m fine. I have spent weeks sporadically wondering if I made the wrong choice. I’ve cried so many tears, cursed so many words. Spent so many nights sleepless and wondering, if I was wrong. I’ve had more good days than bad lately. More patience with my kids. More freedom and happiness at home. It hurts me so much that this part of my life is over. Even though this separation was my idea, I feel like I do deserve the right to grieve. 8 years in the making. My entire adult life until this point. I’m not sad that it happened, but I’m glad I got to experience life with someone until now. Even if our ending wasn’t as happy as we’d hoped for, I think this will allow us both to find what we’ve been truly looking for.  

To Adam, if you read this. I will always have a place in my heart for you, and I’m sorry that we didn’t get to spend our lives together. I think we grew at different paces, and not in sync. Maybe I’m wrong, but that’s what my heart is telling me. I think we have both become better parents since this has all gone down. I wish you nothing but love in the future. I know we will both find what we are truly looking for and what we both need in this life. I think you taught me how to be independent, and how to love unconditionally. I hope we can continue to be friends and treat each other well. I’m happy to know you. 

P.S. To say that I didn’t just bawl while reading this all back, would be a lie. I’m a mess. A hot one at that. If you took the time to get all the way through this, wow. Thanks for taking the time to get to know me better. 

*I wrote this almost a year ago. We are now 1.5 years since everything went down.