Am I Doing This Right, Moms?

 This morning I bawled my eyes out (not literally, my eyes are still in my head) for what seemed like a really long time. I sobbed because I was so frustrated with myself and so ashamed. I told my husband that I did not want to be a mother anymore. I wanted to just be a person for a while with no children, and no responsibility to care for our children. I want my house to be clean for more then five minutes. I want to be able to drink my coffee without interruption. As soon as the words left my mouth I fell completely apart. How could a mother ever say she doesn’t want to care for her children. How could I even envision a life without the two lights of my life, that keep me going. I just started a new job, I hardly even see my kids. My days are filled with caring for other people’s children. I am still adjusting and getting used to not being home with them all the time. This morning what broke me down was that my son dumped his yogurt on the floor instead of eating it. So I cleaned him up and then took two minutes to wipe his chair and the floor. In that two minute span he dumped my coffee all over the floor, couch, table. It was a terrible start to the day. 

I told my husband that I don’t even deserve to be a mother. I spend more time then I would like to admit yelling at my kids. I get so frustrated with them for no good reason. They are little kids. They don’t even know they are doing wrong most of the time. They don’t deserve my wrath. I have hardly seen them at all in the last few weeks. They come home with me after work, I cook supper, we eat, they go to bed. Yet I still have no patience for them. 

I completely forgot what it’s like to be a working mother, I was at home with my kids for over two years. I know I need to adjust and find a good balance. I need to work on finding a better outlet for my frustration then to raise my voice at my children. Eventually, I know I will be fine and my “mom rage” will subside. Why is “mom rage” even a thing? Moms do not get a break from being moms. Even at work all day, I’m worried about my kids, always something in the back of my mind. At home, it’s just crisis after crisis. If one isn’t crying then the other one is. One snack after another, but also baths, naps, stories, meals, toys, clean up, potty training. Anyone that has cared for kids knows the endless list that has to be done ALL THE TIME. Plus waking up through the night, making sure they have enough groceries. Lord forbid you give them the wrong cup. It’s a never ending story, and the tv will never not have finger prints. 

I need a break. Not just going to get groceries alone, or running errands by myself. Not having them go for a play date so I can clean my house. Not waking up an hour early to enjoy coffee in peace. Going to work isn’t a break. Sure we aren’t wiping every booger, we are still busy and working our asses off to provide for our kids. Mothers are people and we need breaks. Just because “I chose to have kids” doesn’t mean I don’t need to rest. We are all entitled to bad days and tears. We are all allowed to have a day off from our offspring. We are allowed to have real human emotions. You can be a good mother without wanting to be around your kids 24/7. You can be a good mother even though you need to cry everyday. You can be a good mother if you swear in every sentence. You can be a good mother if you yell at your kids. Let’s normalize moms being more then just moms, we are people first.